I don't know... for now

I started this blog several times this week. Ideas and thoughts run through my head. But actually ... actually I don't know.

I know how to maintain home quarantine. There is plenty to do.

I know how to help others in a small way, message here, phone call there.

We now have a rhythm here at home of play, work and study.

But if I'm very honest ...

I always turn to my creative brain in survival mode. Whatever is going on in the world. I have to survive. I create things to survive. My family has to survive and they count on me. So I create...

So I make daily rhythm cards to provide structure.

I make coloring pages to keep the kids busy.

I create games to practice social skills.

But also…

I write something every day, but actually I don't write what it's all about, I write around the big knit.

I do paint, but it's more like smearing some paint on a canvas.

I'd rather watch TV than draw.

I'd rather make lists than finish them.

I don't really want to feel despair. The lostness.

I don't want to hear the silence, so I'm create a good time here in this home.

I prefer not to look inside myself, so I follow the news closely.

I use my creative brain to appease myself, it will be fine.

After 4 days of quarantine I suddenly read the word home retreat. Not quarantine but retreat. The moment of reflection, self-examination and personal growth. It triggers me. I want that too. I also want to return to balance and full presence in life. Not necessarily on the street, not necessarily back to the old, but from myself back to awareness.

Realizing that I have calmed myself already creates an opening.

How can I live more consciously? How can I be myself in the chaos of the world, in the family life that is now continuously in this house.

I close this blog and investigate.